Severus Snape's Diary Entry
by Hermy Puckle
Summary: Planned oneshot unless you think I should continue. Snape got hit on by Nott and has taken to exercising to gain muscle. Hilarious entry in his journal talking about this. Rated for language.


**Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling had better not kill off the lovely Snape or else I will cry v. long and hard. Oh, and she owns him grumbles. If she wants to kill him off, why not just give him to me instead?**

* * *

_127 lbs (Terrifying considering weighed self last night and weighed 132. How? Where did it go in the night? I did do a lot of running in my dream. What a horrible thought! You can lose weight simply by dreaming!!! I never knew this!) Minutes spent exercising: Afraid to count. _

Whoever thought up the attrocity that is known as exercising needs to be tortured v. slowly, i.e. forced to exercise.

Here is the process of exercise (and this is why I never joined Quidditch):

1. Diet. This apparently is a part of it. Since I am looking to gain muscle, I need to eat things with protein. Such as meats. But meats are bad for you as they make you fat. This makes no sense. I also need to eat potatoes and pasta. But this clogs arteries. And milk is either good for your bones or bad for you teeth, depending on the weather. Honestly, I am glad I am gifted with no obesity gene as I would hate to have to do this to save my life. It all makes me want to commit suicide, actually. So it wouln't save my life. Have a new pity for Longbottom.

2. Warm up. This is the exercising before exercising. You basically sit on the ground and touch your toes for six hours (I have gone to gym to consult with an 'expert'. Who is this marvelously attractive woman with v. nice tits. However, she is much like Voldemort, only more terrifying as even he wouldn't put us through this hell) until you are 'limbered up'. I do not know why I need to be able to touch my toes without bending my knees to run a mile. Maybe they are going to make me run on all fours without bending my knees? Wouldn't put it past Lady Voldemort.

3. Running. You run in a circle and apparently this is supposed to make your heart beat really hard (which is good unless you are in a hospital, in which you are on the verge of death. So don't run in hospitals) so that you . . . pump blood which . . . makes you gain muscle? I don't know, it's all illogical. This also strengthens my legs. I can feel it in my ankles more for Lady Voldemort says that if it hurts, it's working. I worry I will end up with v. bulky ankles. Have no worries of Achile's Heel. Running is dreadfully boring but more complicated than you'd think. You have to breathe in a certain, very uncomfortable way so as not to cramp up. I was told this post running.

4. More warmups. Here I am panting for air and I now have to do 'lunges' which makes it sound as though I am throwing my arm at a high shelf but it's where I take a gigantic step and do this impossible manuveur where I bend my knees until my bullocks brush the ground. Was able to go down but not back up.

5. Lifting weights. I expected this. I did not expect that you couldn't simply lift a weight to exercise the entire arm. No. You have to lift it in different ways so that you get the biceps and triceps. If you don't do this and only lift one way, apparently you will end up with a half - flabby, half - muscular arm. A terrifying thought actually. But arms feel like jelly so must have worked.

6. Sit - ups. I lay on the floor, cross my arms as though I am laying in a coffin (I didn't miss the irony) and sit up. While keeping feet on floor. I fear that my stomache muscles can no longer digest food, they are so used up.

I walked out of the gym and waved to Lady Voldemort saying I'd see her next month. She shook her head and said I was supposed to be there every other day.

I woke up today feeling as though been thrown against a wall repeatedly. Crawled to pantry to eat something. Don't know what I ate. But I fell back asleep.

I should just stay thin.

NO! I reminded myself. This is a matter of getting Nott off my back (a disgusting image, really) and I want to do that! Besides, muscles will add ability to fend off Nott if he suddenly decides he likes muscles.

How long will it take?

* * *

**A/N: I wrote this up as a part of my Snape RPG on myspace. It's a silly thing that made me giggle. That's what I get for reading Bridget Jones's Diary. Oh, and thanks to that, I've gotten new plotbunnies and New Plotbunnies New Fics.**

**Working on updating all the others. Have simultaneous plotlines running in head. Working on Spinsters, Agony Aunt, and OotW.**

**I L I V E for reviews!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**


End file.
